Internal Revenue Service
by DoomTarts
Summary: Eight assassins walk into a bar..." (MM, Lime) Yohji and Schu own a bar and find they need some help! Will Brad help?
1. Fame and Fortune

The Set Up  
Fame and Fortune

"Eight assassins walk into a bar…" Schuldig stopped talking at the seven death glares that were suddenly pointed his direction.

"Ex assassins," Aya stated severely.

"Why do we have to have a bar anyway? Couldn't we have bought a Hooters?" Yohji whined.

"But there isn't any karaoke in hooters!" Omi shouted. "And you are using my money to start this business." He said business the way one might say "whore house". "So it has to be a karaoke bar."

"Actually, Omi-kun that money really belonged to your family and you…" Nagi just stopped, realizing his friend (just his friend!) was death glaring at him instead of Schu.

"So what will you call this bar, Shuldig-san? Yohji?" Ken asked politely, and slightly disinterestedly.

"God Is a Stupid Asshole of Death and Destruction."

They stared at Farfarello in unison.

"I think he meant that as a name…." Nagi broke the silence.

"Heh, except we probably can't have that many swear words on the sign…" Shu smirked. "What about the Gory Hole?"

"No." (Seven of them. At once.)

"I know! I know! How about The Gray Kitten!" Omi shouted, gleefully.

Groans. (Seven of them. At once.)

"Hooters?" Yohji piped up hopefully.

Death glares. (Seven of them. At once. (Again.))

"The Gray Kitten isn't that bad…" Ken had half the sentence out before 1. Omi had glomped him. Wha…huh? 2. Five groaning death glares turned in his direction.

"The Disemboweled Puppy." Aya commanded.

Slightly confused glaring death groans. (Seven of them. At once.)

"What? It's better than The Ex-sanguinated Parakeet."

Silence.

Brad uncrossed his arms, pushed ups his glasses and sighed. "My vote is for The Gray Kitten."

Everyone groaned and turned towards Omi, death glares at the ready.

"What? It is my money," he answered smugly.

A/N: Now that we've lured you in, only warnings that should apply for the next chapters are as follows: Established Youji/Schuldig so definite Yaoi. We make the confines of the R rating however, so nothing terribly explicit. Also, extraordinary silliness and swearing. Oh, and this must said, this fic is 100 angst free. Think we can't do that? Heh. We so can.


	2. Don't Step on My Blue Suede Shoes

What Ever You Do Don't Step on My Blue Suede Shoes 6 months later… 

Yukino sat at her seat in the Gray Kitten, blushing furiously. Her friends giggled around her and pointed in the direction of the flower-man who had just given her an arrangement. He was a little strange, but he was also very handsome. The arrangement sat in front of her at the table, it seemed slightly off, but she had never really been good at, or all that interested in ikebana. And the flowers were really rather pretty and smelled nice, and he really was quite handsome.

"Yukino-chaaaan! You didn't tell us your boyfriend was a flower man!" Akiko shouted.

Yukino blushed even more. "No, no…" she giggled. "This bar is really new, but it is really cool, don't you think?" she asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

"It is," Miya answered dreamily, staring in the direction of the proprietors. The two men who ran the bar were currently singing a song, and in English too! The blonde owner was swinging his hips in an embarrassing way, and if Yukino didn't know better she could've sworn he'd winked at her! She blushed even harder and had another sip of her fruity drink. Theorange haired man had gotten it for her, saying he knew 'exactly want she would want' and it had been perfect!

"Ain't nothing but a hound dog!" the duo shouted, dancing together! How suggestive they were! Yukino giggled. This place was definitely getting pretty popular for as new as it was. It was probably how handsome all of the men were, she thought. Even the weird flower man!

"He's here all the time," Akiko informed them. "I came here with my big sister last week, it was sooo fun! This really nice boy… I think he said his name was Hid… Hidaki, or something like that, he told us about the flower man. Apparently he just showed up one day with this wheelbarrow and starting giving out flower arrangements. He sells them too! I guess Yoji-san and Schuldig-san, those are the owners..."

"Schuldig-san? What a weird name!" Miya interrupted.

"I know. Anyway I guess they keep trying to kick him out, but he keeps coming back. All of the girls love him, so the owners can't make him go away!"

Yukino giggled as the owners finished their song and started walking towards their table? What? They were coming over here? Yukino blushed, the blonde one was winking at her.

"Such a lovely woman to be bestowed with Aya-san's blessing," he breathed to her in a silken voice.

(For those who are interested: Schu was well aware that this was a 'too drunk not to slur my words' voice, and was disgusted by the way Yukino interpreted this voice. He desperately wanted to see Yohji choke while flirting with one of their female customers. But he had gotten this girl drunk enough that she probably wouldn't be that one. That was probably okay, he'd gotten a big tip from her. He smirked, inwardly and outwardly, he always got a big tip. Telepathy was more useful in this line of work than he'd originally anticipated. He supposed Brad could've told him.)

Yukino blushed some more. "No, no," she stammered, finishing her drink, scooting over in her seat, as the blonde was leaning in to smile at her. He was good looking too. Thought not as good looking as his friend, with his beautiful green eyes and luxurious copper hair. She wondered briefly where that thought had come from, she generally preferred blondes.

"Ah, but you are very pretty, miss?"

"Eh, Tanaka Yukino," she giggled.

"Yukino-san, eh?" he mused. "What a pretty name. It is lovely to see you again, Akiko-san! And you brought such pretty friends!"

The girls giggled and blushed even more brightly.

(For those who are interested: Schu was getting fairly bored with this, watching Yohji flirt had its appeal… but only for so long. Also, he couldn't leave Farfarello at the bar much longer…things tended to get messy that way and he really needed to use the bathroom. Plus, even though Yohji was inclined towards anything that moved, Schu preferred men. And the boy singing right now was entirely more attractive and interesting than the girls Yohji was "charming". Schu sent him nice thoughts as he walked toward the back, to the employee restroom. Where had Aya gone anyway? That's why Yohji had gone to see the girl, to figure out what she had done to get his 'Death Flowers' as Omi and Nagi had been calling them. Flower arrangements meaning things like "You have to die by falling on some tacks while on fire" or as Yohji had said this one meant "Please slip on a pool of your own entrails and suffocate in a vat of kool-aid" He still didn't know how daisies and daffodils managed to say things so graphically, but he trusted his Pookums, he had been the florist and Aya was very good at flower-language. Aya's rush out of the bathroom startled him. It was too bad he never could read his mind, though… the one time he had tried recently he'd had that Henry the 8th song stuck in his head for days! He got to the bathroom and was amused as he ran into Brad, Brad tended to avoid the bar on weeknights… well any nights really. Didn't he need to talk to him about something?)

Yukino moved her hands around her glass as the orange-red-not the blonde one left quietly. "She must not have told you, I'm Yohji, I run the bar with …" Yohji glanced at the other man who was walking way, "eh, my friend. Do you know why Aya-san chose to bless you?"

"Oh, is that the flower man! He's so cool!" Akiko shouted. "Where is he anyway?"

"He just put up another poster! He's going to do a blood drive! Are all of those orphans on the wall his?" Miya asked quietly.

"Yes, they are. All of the charities on the walls are Aya-san's."

"How cool! And he even gave you flowers after you made fun of the charities, Yukino!" Akiko shouted loudly.

"Ah… that would be why you were blessed pretty one! Aya always appreciates those who notice his charitable work," Yohji-san said, smiling. "Well, please come again! I have a bar to be surrounded by beautiful women who are over 18!"

Yukino didn't think she could blush anymore, and she was wrong. Yohji-san was so cool! She wanted to come back to this bar tomorrow night!

(For those who are interested: Schu remembered why he had to talk to Brad on his way out of the restroom. Sure enough, Brad had known Schu needed to talk to him and was standing at the bar, looking amused as Farfarello poured someone a drink. Before he could even start, Brad, of course had an answer. "On two conditions, "I want to watch you and Yohji sometime, and I want you to get me a date with Aya." Schu groaned and went back to the bar.)

Later that night….

"So, he said we have to get him a date with Aya and let him watch us sometime."

Yohji groaned and started wiping the peanut butter off his chest, and arms, and legs and floor. "Well the first part is easy enough, I don't mind and you don't mind."

"Aren't I the mind reader?"

"I hope so."

Schu was blushing at the thoughts Yohji was sending in his direction. Yohji smirked, making Schu blush was a triumph. And the peanut butter was becoming increasingly more sticky and uncomfortable.

"Besides, even if I can't ready your mind, we were in those videos that one time… okay, those four times."

Schu smiled, those had been a whole lot of fun. Maybe Brad would let them tape him watching. "But getting Aya to go on a date with Brad? Not possible. And he already told me I can't use telepathy to force him. It has to be of 'his own free will' blah, blah, blah."

"Well, I suppose we can do it ourselves then."

"Yeah, really. How hard can the taxes be?"


	3. Jailhouse Rock

No You Cannot Put Chunky Peanut Butter There!  
Jailhouse Rock  
2 nights later… 

"So if we divide the total annual annuity and carry the seven…then that should get us…absolutely nowhere! This is stupid! What made us think we could do this again?" Yohji turned to look at Schu over the unfinished taxes. "You know our finances were so much easier when we were assassins, much less reported income. Schu? Just why are you looking at me like that? This is serious!"

Schu was looking at him from over the desk with a leer the king would envy. "But Pookums, all this talk of accounts payable and gross adjusted income is fucking hot. Can we screw yet?"

"That would be lovely, Nookie-Bear, but if we don't get our taxes done we're going to end up in jail. Those men at the IRS are cold-hearted sons of bitches who wouldn't care if those uniforms would clash greatly with your hair. Just give me a minute to think, all right?"

"Mein Gott! Think then. We already know orange and red clash horribly. Just look at Aya and that sweater. Did you know that thing just keeps turning up no matter how many times I try to burn it?" Schuldig turned quiet for a brief moment before he turned back to Yohji. "Are you done yet? It is absolutely imperative that I have sex now."

"Imperative? Schu are you channeling Crawford again? Stop that immediately! I told you never to go wandering around in that sick bastard's head! Who knows what might be there?" Yohji stared at Schu with a frightened expression on his face.

"No, I'm not. That one time was enough…eww…that man has a serious obsession with the color red. Must be all of the blood on his hands." Schu shuddered. "And what, you think I can't have a good vocabulary? I'll have you know that I know more languages than you'll ever learn. Just for that you're the uke this time, bitch." Schu launched over the desk at Yohji, intent on some serious action, only to land on Yohji's quickly and recently vacated chair.

"Oh no you don't! I was uke last time, and I'm still sore!" Yohji found that he had to put all of his ex-assassin quickness to use in order to evade Schu's suddenly tentacle-like appendages.

"Wimp. That had to have been at least thirty minutes ago, besides of the two of us I would have to say that you are definitely the more frail and delicate one, making you the uke of this relationship."

"Oh yeah? Well your hair is longer," Yohji shot back.

"I'm taller. Height always determines seme-hood," Schu retaliated as he began to rifle through the desk drawers for something to use as lube.

"You're only taller because you've started wearing women's heels. Another reason I should be seme…try the second one down on the right, I thought I saw something there."

"Well...if you want to compare appearances to determine seme-hood…you should know… that my eyes are greener. Aha!" Schu triumphantly held up a tube of cherry lube.

"Not in the manga!...Hey, Schu, that's not our lube. Ours is banana-mango…" Yohji eyed the strange tube warily.

"Eww…it's open too!" Schu dropped it like a hot potato. Imagine such squeamishness from a man who had had sex in more public toilets than anyone would care to guess at.

"Wait. If it's not ours, then whose is it?" Yohji asked. "I thought we were the only couple here."

"Must be Omi and Nagi's. I tease them about being lovers all the time, but I never thought it was true. We should probably sit them down and give them the talk about safe gay sex," Schu said.

"Schu, act responsible later, fuck me now," Yohji whined too far gone to care any more about who's what went where.

"I knew my infamous charm would win you over." Schu leered at Yohji as he began to unscrew the cap on the tube of lube.

"Oh…wait…you're not going to use that are you? That's someone else's lube!"

"Yuck. You're right. Well what are we going to do then? I guess there's always the peanut butter." Schu looked ecstatic at the thought of getting his favorite treat twice in one week.

Yohji just glared. "Hell no. Omi and Nagi went shopping yesterday and you know they always get extra chunky and we used all of the smooth last time. Besides the mess is terrible. Can't we just do something simple? Like 69?"

Schu pretended to ponder. "Deal."

They both proceeded gleefully to the desk scattering the tax documents everywhere. "But wait, what are we going to do about the taxes?"

"Well since the boys are intent on ruining our fun with their used lube and chunky peanut butter, let's make them do it," Yohji said.

And that was the last thing that anyone said for a long time. Because really, no one should talk with their mouth full.

Stay tuned: In the next chapter the English Devil makes his appearance, Aya's arrangements are misinterpreted even more, and Schu becomes incredibly distracted. I wonder why? Next Chapter: The English Devil Crying in the Chapel


End file.
